The God Seuss

So a few things have happened since my last post….  The first being that I have finally be approved the appropriate number of times by the Department of Labor to have my surgery (Don’t ask me what number approval we are one now). YAY! So that is scheduled for October 22nd. In the mean time I have to be sure to get all of my pre-operative testing done, like blood work, Chest X-Rays, and EKG. FUN! And…. the rumor is that I will need to sit through a session and class with the anesthesiologist…. What I will learn I am not quite sure.. I have the basics down… don’t  eat after midnight the night before your surgery because you will barf, they re gonna stick a needle in my arm and I will proceed to fall asleep in mid sentence and then wake up drooling on myself after my surgery is over. What else do I need to know!? I guess I will find out.

I also have started a new blog. This one is for my crafting endeavors. Lets hope that I do enough crafts to post about. I have a knitting post up now and a product review.  You can view the blog here. Also please feel free to follow it and tell EVERYONE you know.. That’s right, I am not above shameful self promotion.

Speaking of promotion! I decided to buy my brother-in-law a birch box. If you don’t know what this is, it is a box of product samples. Higher end samples. (I will do a review on mine when /if it ever gets here.) They have made one for Men too! So I told him that he had a do a review on what he got. The box had to of been filled with the most inappropriate items for a sister-in-law to get.  You can read this hilarious post entitled “Best Underwear EVA” here. (No joke, I almost peed myself).

Moving on… I have been a bit stressed out lately. Just a lot of going stir crazy and not really knowing where life is gonna lead me after this surgery happens. I can try to reapply to Peace Corps. There is no guarantee that I would be allowed to go back in, but there is a part of me that feels like my traveling days aren’t over yet. My best friend also threw out the option of having some place to stay in Chicago if I wanted to start over and look for a job up there. That is a very good option too, and one I would be forever grateful for. So this is where I am at! Where do I go? What is the better option? Is it time to stop traveling and finally set down roots here in the States? Get a “real person” job and maybe find someone who wants to put up with my emotional butt on a permanent basis? Or should I try again to see parts of the world I thought never to go to? AAAAAHHHHH!

SO the stress! My Goodness the stress. My brain just goes in a circle and its a bit overwhelming.  Then I learned something. DR. Seuss helps stress! No joke. So I was just on the verge of pulling out all of my nappy head snarls when my mother suggested we watch the LORAX. I have been wanting to watch it for a long time, and hadn’t gotten the chance while I was in Indonesia…. (imagine that). It was like I was a little kid again transported into a magical land. The colors in the moving were AMAZING and I was instantly drawn in. I laughed AND I cried. It was soooo GOOD.  A few days later I was walking through the store and I saw Dr. Seuss pajama pants! ON SALE! Well how could I not get them with all of their magical healing qualities that I knew they possessed. So I bought them, went home, put them on, and….. thats right, I watched the Lorax again. And it was sooo much better as I wore my new Yertle the Turtle pajama pants!  I started to feel myself unwind and laugh. Dr. Seuss is some form of Emotional Goodness God!

I still have a huge decision to make, and a lot of emotional wanderings to sift though, but I am feeling so much better and calmer thanks to Dr. Seuss and The Lorax.   If you have not seen this movie (Whether you have children or not) I will definitely say go out and get it or rent it from iTunes or the Google Play store. It is worth your time.

Nappy Heads Break Brushes!

Natural hair….. natural hair…..natural hair……

Natural hair has become HUGE! Black women everywhere are putting down their containers of hair crack (relaxer) and stepping away… letting their curly locks fro freely in the wind……uh huh…. I have natural hair….  Big surprise, Right? For all of you lovelies who do not know what natural hair is… it is hair that has not been chemically processed. For us ethnic beauties, it is our natural curly, kinky hair. (It is also known as Afro-textured hair). Some of you who have seen what I am talking about may be like… “Yeah! Embrace being natural and loving how God made you.” or some of you may be saying ‘Girl, You need to do something with that hair… You look like a hot mess!”  There are many different reasons to choose to go natural. For me it was because I had over processed my hair to achieve this insanely CUTE multicolored straight hairstyle the reeked of awesomeness! A month later my hair was falling out on my pillow….(But it was super cute while it lasted) I went to get my hair taken care of and the lady basically said.. ‘Its gotta go hun.’ So I got my hair cut down to 1/4 inch length all around, went home, and sobbed into a pint of Ben&Jerry’s ice cream. I decided not to go that route anymore and figured I would learn how to take care of my hair, as it was something that I was never taught how to do. Now I have read so much on Natural hair. I have watched more YouTube Videos than I can count about how to take care of your natural hair and how to style it. After every YouTube video I have a renewed sense of hope that my hair is awesome and I am gonna look good!  For some of you this may be the case… for me… Not so much.  You can send me directions on how to braid, twist, updo… etc… but it boils down to this. I am not coordinated in the least.

Ok… so that was a very long introduction to today’s story (if you are still with me).  I woke up this morning feeling better. I had a bit more movement and less pain in my left leg today. It is probably just knowing that tomorrow I am meeting with the new surgeon that is putting a bit of pep into my step. Anyhow, this morning I was laying in bed, and I says to myself, I says.. “Angela, You are gonna do your hair today….Braid it or twist it up… It will be super cute.” I watched youtube videos for an hour, and proceeded to the shower with a plan. I untangled my hair and was ready to go. Out of the shower and dressed I attempted to execute the style that was guaranteed to take me 10 minutes to do.  One hour later I am cursing at my reflection in the mirror and ready to shave my damn head. Looking a hell of a lot worse than I did before I went into the shower. So I took a deep breath got a spray bottle and my detangler brush. Determined to start over.  I ran my brush through my hair and on the second stroke I heard “SNAP”. The stupid brush cracked in my head and went flying across the bathroom. So I can’t really bend to pick things up…. so using my feet as hands (don’t judge me) I picked up my brush and looked at my rats nest of a hairdo.. and came to one conclusion… Natural hair… that shit is for CRAZY people.  Who am I kidding walking around with hair so big I can make a pair of knitting needles disappear in it? I have got to figure something out. Right now I cant sit long enough to go have my hair done, so I just have to make due…. But know this… i am on the edge, and if a pair of clippers were to make their way into my bathroom, you all would see a whole new Angela.

Broke My Brush

If I Had A Stun Gun

Sooooo…. recent frustrations with the Peace Corps…. have led me to my current blog post. So as many of you know, I am waiting for surgery on my back. I have been home and basically unable to get around and function like a normal human (being able to shower on your own) since May 5^th. So waiting and going through all of the proper channels…. 1)Physical Therapy for 4 weeks, 2) medical separation from the Peace Corps, 3) submitting an application with the Peace Corps Post Service Medical Unit and trusting them to submit my application to the Department and Labor and FECA with supporting documentation so that I can be granted coverage and authorization for surgery. I have done all of this. 4) I have made follow up phone calls where Peace Corps PSU has said “Yes, everything has been submitted and is currently waiting approval.” I got a letter from the Department of Labor saying that they have received my claim. So thinking that this was all now taken care of, I followed up with the Department of Labor to see if they could give approval for my surgery, and the very nice lady on the phone says, “Well, we received your application, and we assigned you a case number, but we have nowhere near enough information to approve anything much less surgery.” To that I was like… “Peace Corps said that they were going to forward over my application and supporting medical records. Did you not get those?” Silence greeted me and then the dreaded, “Ummmm, we honestly only received 5 pages faxed over.” Now, my brain starts working and I know that I faxed over exactly 5 pages to the Peace Corps. 4 were my application to DOL and 1 was a personal statement from me about my accident. Peace Corps was then supposed to attached the statement from the surgeon I have been seeing stating my need for surgery, and all the records from my treatment with Peace Corps. All of that should have been a hell of a lot more than 5 pages! So I asked, “What exactly do you have?” “Well, we have the DOL application and your statement, and a statement from the Peace Corps Post Service Unit Nurse.” After I saw red, I nicely thanked the lady and assured her that I would contact Peace Corps and get the needed paperwork over to them as soon as possible. The lady on the phone was very nice and assured me that once they had all of the paperwork they would process everything as quickly as possible.

So upon getting off of the phone I called Peace Corps where I had to leave a message… I was so angry that I ended up stuttering (scary right?) through the whole thing. So I followed that up with an e-mail (because I can apparently sound scarier via e-mail than on the phone) to the office to which I got the lovely reply..

Greetings Ms. Williams, 

Thank you for contacting the Post Service Team. We are always here to provide all the support you need for your post service benefits. Your request has been forwarded to the PSU nurse for review.

Sincerely, 

Post Service Unit for Peace Corps- Office of Medical Services

Are you kidding me?! Is this your response?! I hope the nurse has something wonderful to say when she e-mails me back. I am hoping that this is just a case where all of the paperwork was sent it just isn’t all where it needs to be at the moment??? (Anyone have Rose Colored Glasses I can borrow?)

So anyhow… that leads me to my frustrations and the want / urge for a stun gun. How great would it be if stunning stupid or annoying people were perfectly acceptable and not frowned upon??? I don’t want to permanently injure anyone. But at the moment there is something satisfying about the idea of carrying a stun gun around with me and letting everyone feel my frustration… Example 1… going to the store and buying female necessities… and having a young male cashier…. and you hear him mutter under his breath or stupidly say “Oh..Heavy Flow Maxi Pads and Chocolate….” STUN GUN! Flop like a fish and feel my FRUSTRATION! Or Example 2… when you go to the airport and the person in front of you takes an hour to remove their laptop and shoes but forgets his belt, causing the alarm to go off and the rest of us to be stuck waiting longer than necessary! STUN GUN! Flop like a fish and feel my FRUSTRATION! Or when my grandmother comes to check on me and says, “Oh no, Angela, Pop Tarts and Cookies…??? I am not gonna say anything, but you aren’t getting any smaller…” STUN GUN!!!!! (Just kidding.. I would never actually Stun Gun my grandmother…. but I might think about it… sometimes…)

I think you get my point.

Sooo… if anyone has any pull with deities of a higher power, please put in a good word for me and my stun gun. Please and Thank You.

Some Support System

Since I have been in Indonesia I have made many friends that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, but I have one friend who I hang out with the most..Andy. Andy and I have become close friends this past year and our bond is only strengthened by our mutual love for food. But where I am a bit of a chunky monkey, Andy is very tall and slender… not looking at all like he orders three meals when we go out to a restaurant and eats it all (because he cant waste food). We always have a good time together and somehow the conversations always end up going to the topic of food.

This is a conversation we had the other day:

Me: I need to not eat so much.

Andy: You act like that is a bad thing.

Me: Ummm, yeah. Its bad. Have you seen the size of my ass.

Andy: I am not touching that. But you are the only one who understands my love for food.

Me: Whatever. I need to give up the Oreos. Oh! I went to the store and go Sugar Free coconut latte iced coffee mix. I can drink that instead.

Andy: That’s not a bad idea… but you know what would be better?

Me: What’s that?

Andy: If you dunked Oreos in that Iced Coffee! Yum!

Me: Did you not just hear me tell you I need to not eat Oreos?

Andy: I am just saying it would be good. I am not telling you that you have to do it.

Me: But you know I am going to want to try it

Andy: That might be why I planted the idea…. Let me know tomorrow how it is.

Me: You are an evil evil man.

Andy: Evil? Or Brilliant!? Think about it….

What Happened to Sexy Vampires?

As I sit here watching Interview With the Vampire, I can’t help but ask myself, ‘What happened to sexy vampires?’ Interview With the Vampire was the first vampire movie that I remember ever seeing. My older sister was watching it in her room with her friend, and I remember sneaking out onto the porch and watching through the sliding glass door that led to her room. Of course I couldn’t hear any dialogue, but the characters’ looks and actions made an impression on my eleven year old mind. I watched until I was discovered by my mother and forced to go back inside to whatever mundane show or movie that was playing on the living room television. Some years later I remember being able to sit down and watch it again, this time with sound and the full effect. Though much of it scared me, I remember thinking how gorgeous Lestat (played to Tom Cruise) and Louis (played by Brad Pitt) were. As the movie went on were were introduced to another gorgeous vampire, Armand (played by Antonio Banderas). Everything about these vampires (silky hair, gorgeous eyes, perfect fangs, and envy inspiriting nails) screamed sex appeal. I am sure that there were a few vampires in the movie there weren’t gorgeous, but their characters and names were not worth remembering. Another thing about these vampires that made them sexy as hell was their quiet, elegant strength. And though Louis was the compassionate one of the three with his soft spot for Claudia, he could never be described as whiney, sniveling, or weak.
From there other vampire movies and shows emerged with sexy vampires, though non could really compare to Louis, Lestat, and Armand (Though Angel from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer is an exception). That was until Dracula 2000 came out. I am not too sure how many people actually saw this movie, but all I can say is Gerard Butler as Dracula…… Yummy! Even if the movie itself wasn’t that great… it’s totally worth watching to see a young Gerard Butler with his Dark curly locks! Beautiful.
Then we have Twilight… now I know there are a lot of Twilight fans out there. I myself and many people that I know devoured the books when they came out. They were fast, fun, and intriguing reads. They were honestly some of the fastest reads I have ever had. I remember actually going to the midnight release at Barnes and Nobles with my sister and waiting in line for hours to get a copy of Breaking Dawn. (Don’t deny it sis). I remember very vividly how I pictured each vampire in the book, and they all had that vampire sex appeal I had come to love. Then the best thing in the world happened!… They announced that they were going to make a movie out of Twilight. My sister and I were in the movie theatre line with all of the other teeny-boppers, moms, and reluctant husbands who where forced to endure their wives pick for date night. The movie had all the potential to be a hit, but who do they pick to play Edward, the lead Vampire role? Cedric freakin’ Diggory! For all you non Harry Potter fans (and I hope there are not a lot of you out there) Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson in The Goblet of Fire) was the all around perfect guy who needless to say doesn’t appear in any other Harry Potter film or book. If they were gonna choose an actor from Harry Potter to play Edward (the sexy brooding vampire) they would have been better off choosing Neville Longbottom (Put a picture of Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis) today next to Robert Pattinson and tell me if I am crazy). Robert Pattinson has a hard time pulling off sexy (and if you think he does… please rethink your decision). Not only that, the tough, caring Vampire that is portrayed in the book is replaced by a character that comes off whiney and not the least bit tough in the movie (need we bring up the ‘hold on spider monkey’ comment?). And lets talk about how he is supposed to be beautiful in the sunlight, like a million sparkling diamonds… They took and average man and dumped a shit ton of glitter on him expecting him to look beautiful… hmmm I think not! Then he wants to say,“This is the face of a killer.” Do your worst glitter boy. Do your flippin worst!

Words can never convey the extent of my disappointment in the death of the Sexy Vampire with the release of Twilight… And if you wonder what would Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise say to their Sexy Vampire Legacy; one of my favorite pictures from Pintrest.com says it all…

So here is to hoping for the return of the Sexy Vampire. May they come back in full force.

Oh Love!… Thou Art…

I had every intention of writing an “I don’t understand / bitter Valentine’s Day’ post entitled:

“…And If Kisses & Screws Were ‘I Love You’ s We’d All Have a Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Where I would talk about the fact all true love stories are tragic and ultimately end in disaster due to a man’s overreaction… Case in point… Romeo and Juliet: Juliet had a whole plan. Fall asleep, let everyone think that she is dead. Then wake up and be free to run away with Romeo and live happily ever after. And what did Romeo do?! He drank too much, stumbled to her body, freaked out and drank a vial of poison right before Juliet woke up! She in turn kills herself in grief. When if he had just slowed his roll for two bloody seconds he would be sipping mai tais  on a beach somewhere with his wife. Another example (just so you don’t think I just went out and found circumstantial evidence for my claim) us Mark Anthony and Cleopatra. These two fell in love at first sight, pissed of Rome with their love affair and basically gave Rome the finger and got married anyways. Mark Anthony goes to war against Rome and while he is away some schmuck sends him false information that Cleopatra was dead. He freaked out and “fell” on his sword. When the still living Cleopatra finds out she takes her own life in grief. (Are you seeing the trend?)

After thinking about this and coming to the conclusion that the men in these relationships ultimately screwed their significant others over by jumping the gun, I had an amazingly random thought…. What if ALL men came equipped with an ‘Duh-de-ta-de meter?’ A device that could hook up in their brain and monitor the goings-on, and every time they are about to say or do something completely stupid (as they always do) we can press it and shock the shit out of them while screaming “Get a grip Dude!”(Think about how effective that would have been if every time Romeo went to drink that poison his ass got a jolt. I bet he would have abandoned that dumb idea real quick!).

BUT despite those thoughts and having no one to spend V-Day with this year; I have to admit that there are many aspects of it that I love… the color pink, the shape of a heart, all of the chocolate (especially white chocolate!). I even have certain romantic movies that I love to watch on Valentine’s day like: ‘Somewhere in Time’, ‘Casablanca,’ ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘Memoirs of a Geisha,’ and ‘Pride & Prejudice,’ to name a few. I don’t know if going all out for Valentine’s Day would be that big of a deal for me, but at this stage in my life (28 and single) having a significant other sounds appealing (though I could just be asking for troubles and headaches). So this year I am embracing the V-Day even if it is a solo celebration with hopes that one of these coming years I can make some poor schmuck watch a sappy movie with me on Valentine’s Day that will suck the life out of him! (Go ahead and slap me if that doesn’t sound like fun).

Right now I am sitting on my bed with a bar a cashew white chocolate, a

TiMER Movie Poster

slice of strawberry flan, and a box of tissues gearing up to watch  ‘TiMER.’ If you have never seen it (and many have not) it is a wonderfully cute  movie.  It has Emma Caulfield who is adorable on her own. The plot is future based where people can get these devices (TiMER) that are implanted into their wrists and it counts down to the day the wearer finds true love. Oona (Emma Caulfield) has a blank TiMER meaning that her soul mate- whoever and wherever he is- has yet to have a TiMER implanted. Being Close to thirty years old Oona decides to fall for a guy who has a TiMER with a countdown of 4 months!

I originally saw this movie because my sister told me I had to, and I fell in love with it. Think about it… how would our actions and feelings change if we knew exactly how long we had to wait to find true love? Or is we were already married and got a TiMER and found out we were not meant to be together? INSANE! If you have not seen see this movie I highly recommend that you do!

So that is probably enough sap for one post.

Project: “Chicken Little”

**Disclaimer: Extreme boredom can lead to the accumulation of dumb ideas. I do not in any way condone the theft of objects, animals, or people.  Thank you and have a nice day**

Last week I was feeling under the weather and instead of resting like my host mother had insisted I do, I went on a day journey to a lake with my buddy Andy. On the bike ride home I saw the coolest thing, a dwarf chicken! It was 1/4 the size or a regular rooster. I had to do a double take to make sure I saw it correctly because it was just too good to be true. As I continued on my ride home it started to rain. Needless to say I got soaked. Upon arriving home my host mother was very distraught to see that I was wet and told me that I was going to get sick. I laughed and told her that I would be fine.  The next morning I woke up with my throat swollen shut, a nose clogged with a copious amount of snot, and my eyes feeling that I had rubbed sandpaper over them. After spending 10 minutes in the mirror practicing not being sick so that I wouldn’t have to hear the “I told you so,” from my host mother, I went down stairs for breakfast. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs I proceeded to have a coughing fit that not only sounded terrible, but projected bright green shit from my mouth. (So much for faking not sick). My host mother pounced on me like a cat on a mouse screeching about how she told me to take a rest yesterday. She then made me eat breakfast, take medicine, and then go back up to bed. There I was to be imprisoned for the rest of the day and forced to sleep instead of going to school and teaching.

So as I laid in bed watching one of my favorite shows, Fringe, I got the brilliant idea that it would be awesome to have a  dwarf chicken like the one that I had seen previously while riding my bike. It really is a useless pet, but how many people do you know can say “Dude, Have you seen my pet mini-chicken?” Normally I am not a fan of chickens what-so-ever, especially after coming to this country. I have come to see them as dirty little assholes that crow at all hours of the day and night. But that being said, as much as I dislike chickens, my love for strange animals as pets outweighs it. SO… you can see why having a dwarf chicken would be so appealing to me!.. (well maybe you can). The one hiccup that I could come up with was my host mother. She dislikes chickens as much as I do, unless they are fried and on the table. So I couldn’t very well have her and my host father take me to the bird market to buy one, and how the hell would I get a chicken home while riding my bike? The only logical conclusion was to steal the dwarf chicken I saw earlier. So Project “Chicken Little” was born. First thing I would need is a few volunteers to help me with the mission…and what better source for pliable, willing people then my students (I know you are probably thinking I am a terrible teacher right now).

When I was back to feeling better I approached one of my favorite classes with my idea to “borrow”the little chicken. The overall response was not what I wanted.. “No Miss! You can’t!!!”So by the end of class I only had two daring volunteers, but it was more than enough! The next day, after classes, my two helpers and I walked to our destination. The chicken was there and I found that I was getting really giddy. I pulled out my camera (something this awesome had to be documented) and we started to inch forward.

Mini-chicken unaware...

The strategy was that my helpers were going to block either side of the chicken as I went up the middle, giving me time to take pictures and than swoop down and catch it. Easy Peasy! As I started to close in on him, his little head popped up, and all I heard was ‘Miss! Look out!”With that the damn chicken jumped and started for me! I went to swoop down and my helpers yelled at me, “No Miss! Just run. Run Now!”With the mini chicken still charging me from across the lawn, I saw in his eyes that he meant business. One of us wasn’t going to

"Are You Fucking With Me?"

make it out of this encounter, and I feared that one would be me. So with a very sophisticated (teacher) scream of, “Holy crap!” I turned and ran like hell with the angry little chicken fast on my heels!– My students having already left me to fend for myself.

We made it back to the school, all limbs intact. My students fell over laughing as I about hyperventilated in the courtyard. The came to lean over me as I was laying on the ground trying to slow my breathing“Miss, you are crazy!”

So maybe it was a crazy idea… I got a few pictures and learned something very valuable…. Little ass chickens are mean as hell!

I Like My Big Ass… it’s my muffin top that scares me!

When I first left the country I was pushing 250 pounds… it wasn’t a pretty site. If I had to give you a visual, I would say that when I took a shower it was similar to a wet baby seal…but not anywhere near as cute. Ouch! So anyway, since being in this country and adopting a diet consisting mainly of fruit, vegetables, and white rice (i would kill for a bacon cheeseburger, btw) I have almost dropped below the 200 pound mark (Go Me!).  I am currently celebrating this achievement by eating an orange cream ice cream Oreo. It is absolutely heavenly too. If you do not have these back in the States… You are totally missing out. I suggest you make a friend (Me) who can send them to you!. But I digress… so since I have lost so much weight I have had a little more pep in my step so to speak.  I found that as my clothes became baggier and baggier I became more confident and I walked with more purpose. It is one of these such ‘purposeful’ walks that I want to discuss.

It was a gloriously sunny day in a country that has only a wet and dry season. I was walking down the street, sweating through my clothes, and singing along to an awesome song pumping through my headphones from my iPod Touch. The song really got me going and I soon found myself adding a little jump (dance move) as I walked. Then as I continued about my journey I felt this vibration shaking my legs. I stopped and looked around, but there was nothing there and the vibration had stopped. I continued on my walk again getting into the song and dancing a bit when I felt that damn vibration again. I stopped and looked again this time into the jungle-esque scenery surrounding me, but again there was nothing there and the vibration had stopped also. So as I stood in the middle of the street with a dumb ass, confused look on my face a terrifying thought occurred to me, but before I panicked I wanted to test my theory. So in a purely scientific manner I took a large step, bringing my foot down a little harder than normal and looked behind me. Sure enough… the vibration happened again, only I was the source… my big ass decided that it needed a little extra movement time while I walked. Horrified, I slowed my walk, changed the song to a more melancholy tune, and made my way back to my house careful not to disturb the ocean of fat on my backside. Once home I proceeded to strip down to my underwear and stand with my ass facing my mirror for a good 20 minutes. After staring at it long and hard I reached a conclusion: “I can live with it.”  I smiled and even gave it a little shake having the bizarre thought it was kind of fun (the wiggle). An ass is an ass, I figured, no big deal. So feeling better about my issue I turned around smiling and faced the mirror, where I was greeted by a whole different issue! A MUFFIN TOP!

You know what a Muffin Top is, right? It happens when you put on your favorite pants that might be a little on the snug side and the weight that was once evenly distributed throughout your lower half seems to boil up and flow over the waistband of your pants like a chocolate fountain. Making it look like you had a laps in judgement and put an inner tube around your middle before putting your shirt on that morning. I can’t even go through the thought process that happened while I looked in the mirror, but I can express is this: What the shit is that!?! No matter how much weight I lose that damn thing just wont go away. Why is that? The muffin top is like the cockroach of fat. No matter how many times or ways you try to flush it out, it never really leaves! And if you are sitting there thinking “Oh I only have a small one, I can get rid of it…” think cockroaches my friends.. where there is a small one, there is a big one hiding getting ready to rear its ugly head! AND despite the cute name (Muffin Top), there is nothing cute about it. There is no playful, amusing wiggle when you shake. It just stays there, hanging over your jeans, reminding you of all of those emotions you shouldn’t have eaten the previous night.

On that note I am going to go get another Oreo.

Where Would Your Dumb Ass Be???

Our World has been blessed with brilliant men–men who have really made a difference in the lives of people all around the World. Men like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Isaac Newton, just to name a few. Hell, I will even throw in Christopher Columbus for his discovery of America (we will just overlook the fact that he actually got lost, didn’t ask for directions, and thought that he was in India the whole time). And from so many brilliant men we have wonderful things in our lives like the printing press, the light bulb, the telephone, and high heels (come one, you know a man is responsible for those amazing torture devices). So the question remains… How did they do it? How did they get so damn smart? Well, the proof is in the puddin’ my friends. It’s in the written word. Its all there in the Book of Genesis.  I am not going to quote the bible because, frankly, I can’t, but I am going to give you the ‘CliffsNotes’ version from Sunday School:

Back when it all began God created Man, and from Man’s side God took one rib. From that rib God created Woman (and he saw that it was good). He named the man Adam and the woman Eve. God placed Adam & Eve in his paradise garden, Eden. The one rule was that they could not eat the fruit from the tree of Knowledge.

One Picturesque day Adam was lounging about because he had nothing better to do. His stomach started to growl. He looked to Eve with a pleading look indicated that he was hungry. Eve rolled her eyes at Adam and indicated that he should go and find his own damn food. With a dumbfounded look, Adam let Eve know that he had no clue as to where to find food, so Eve, being the loving woman that she was, went to search for food for Adam.  On her journey through the garden, a snake happened by and stopped in front of her. “I sssseeee that you are looking for food for the man who can not feed himsssself,” said the snake. Eve rolled her eyes and nodded, silently agreeing that Adam was a lost cause and she had to take care of him so the he didn’t perish. The snake told Eve that he knew where to find food that would not only assuage Adam’s hunger but would also teach him how to feed himself. Eve knowing that Adam needed to learn a bit of independence followed the snake to the tree of knowledge. Upon seeing where they were, Eve immediately recoiled in horror, shaking her head profusely at what the snake was suggesting.  “I know that you were told not to eat from this tree, but the fruit of this tree holds the power to help Adam learn how to survive on his own. You would only be doing him a service,” said the snake. Eve thought about what the snake was saying and agreed that something had to be done to help the ever confused Adam, but she didn’t want any harm to befall Adam…she was just that caring. So in an act of pure selflessness she decided to pluck an apple for the tree’s suspended limbs and take a bite to see what would happen. Immediately her eyes became focused and the world around her appeared in a different light. She identified many food sources around her, and knew what the snake had said was true. She looked down at her person and saw that she was naked and then fashioned underwear for her and Adam out of leaves. 

Eve made her way back to Adam carrying an apple for him to eat and the underwear she had made for him. Adam looked up at Eve with is ever present look of confusion. Eve handed Adam the apple and told him to eat. Without questioning it, Adam took a bite from the apple and like Eve, immediately started to see things clearly. He looked down at his person and saw that he too was naked. Eve handed Adam the cover she has fashioned out of leaves, and Adam began to put it on his head. “No! Adam, it goes around your waist to cover your man parts.” Just when Adam was about to correct his error God appeared. “Adam! Why are you wearing leaves on your head?” asked God. “Because I am naked,” replied Adam. God became enraged that not only had his prized creation, Man, eaten from the forbidden tree of knowledge, but he was also sitting in a garden naked wearing underwear on his head like a jackass. It was all too much to handle, and in his anger God cast Adam and Eve from  the garden forever.

So there you have it. Adam was sitting naked around a garden like a bump-on-a-log, not knowing his ass from his elbow until Eve, being the kind and generous soul that she was, decided to share the fruit from the tree of Knowledge with Adam. Adam’s eyes were opened and he gained knowledge (though it seemed to take a little bit of time for the knowledge to fully sink in). Hence, Man has Knowledge because Woman gave it to him. Woman is responsible for first gaining knowledge and then generously sharing it with the likes of Man.  What would have happened if Eve had decided to keep Knowledge to herself?  I think every man should turn to the women in their lives and give them a big “Thank You!” for gifting them with the good sense to get up every morning, put clothes on (correctly), and function with some semblance of intelligence. After all, it is possible that without woman, man would still be sitting naked in the dirt with a clueless look on his face.