I Like My Big Ass… it’s my muffin top that scares me!

When I first left the country I was pushing 250 pounds… it wasn’t a pretty site. If I had to give you a visual, I would say that when I took a shower it was similar to a wet baby seal…but not anywhere near as cute. Ouch! So anyway, since being in this country and adopting a diet consisting mainly of fruit, vegetables, and white rice (i would kill for a bacon cheeseburger, btw) I have almost dropped below the 200 pound mark (Go Me!).  I am currently celebrating this achievement by eating an orange cream ice cream Oreo. It is absolutely heavenly too. If you do not have these back in the States… You are totally missing out. I suggest you make a friend (Me) who can send them to you!. But I digress… so since I have lost so much weight I have had a little more pep in my step so to speak.  I found that as my clothes became baggier and baggier I became more confident and I walked with more purpose. It is one of these such ‘purposeful’ walks that I want to discuss.

It was a gloriously sunny day in a country that has only a wet and dry season. I was walking down the street, sweating through my clothes, and singing along to an awesome song pumping through my headphones from my iPod Touch. The song really got me going and I soon found myself adding a little jump (dance move) as I walked. Then as I continued about my journey I felt this vibration shaking my legs. I stopped and looked around, but there was nothing there and the vibration had stopped. I continued on my walk again getting into the song and dancing a bit when I felt that damn vibration again. I stopped and looked again this time into the jungle-esque scenery surrounding me, but again there was nothing there and the vibration had stopped also. So as I stood in the middle of the street with a dumb ass, confused look on my face a terrifying thought occurred to me, but before I panicked I wanted to test my theory. So in a purely scientific manner I took a large step, bringing my foot down a little harder than normal and looked behind me. Sure enough… the vibration happened again, only I was the source… my big ass decided that it needed a little extra movement time while I walked. Horrified, I slowed my walk, changed the song to a more melancholy tune, and made my way back to my house careful not to disturb the ocean of fat on my backside. Once home I proceeded to strip down to my underwear and stand with my ass facing my mirror for a good 20 minutes. After staring at it long and hard I reached a conclusion: “I can live with it.”  I smiled and even gave it a little shake having the bizarre thought it was kind of fun (the wiggle). An ass is an ass, I figured, no big deal. So feeling better about my issue I turned around smiling and faced the mirror, where I was greeted by a whole different issue! A MUFFIN TOP!

You know what a Muffin Top is, right? It happens when you put on your favorite pants that might be a little on the snug side and the weight that was once evenly distributed throughout your lower half seems to boil up and flow over the waistband of your pants like a chocolate fountain. Making it look like you had a laps in judgement and put an inner tube around your middle before putting your shirt on that morning. I can’t even go through the thought process that happened while I looked in the mirror, but I can express is this: What the shit is that!?! No matter how much weight I lose that damn thing just wont go away. Why is that? The muffin top is like the cockroach of fat. No matter how many times or ways you try to flush it out, it never really leaves! And if you are sitting there thinking “Oh I only have a small one, I can get rid of it…” think cockroaches my friends.. where there is a small one, there is a big one hiding getting ready to rear its ugly head! AND despite the cute name (Muffin Top), there is nothing cute about it. There is no playful, amusing wiggle when you shake. It just stays there, hanging over your jeans, reminding you of all of those emotions you shouldn’t have eaten the previous night.

On that note I am going to go get another Oreo.

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One thought on “I Like My Big Ass… it’s my muffin top that scares me!

  1. Okay, time to throw out the oreos. I went shopping for jeans a few months ago and tried on a pair that fit perfectly except for the slight muffin top that it gave. I like to wear fitted tops so I knew I couldn’t walk out of the store with them. What I did instead was to ask for a larger size and they work just fine even though I don’t get the fitted look along the leg like I did in the smaller size.
    In checking out, the sales girl told me she had the same problem but she bought the jeans anyway without going up a size. I could tell from the look on her face that going up a size was devastating to her, but the look of her muffin top was even more devastating and disappointing to me.

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