Oh Love!… Thou Art…

I had every intention of writing an “I don’t understand / bitter Valentine’s Day’ post entitled:

“…And If Kisses & Screws Were ‘I Love You’ s We’d All Have a Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Where I would talk about the fact all true love stories are tragic and ultimately end in disaster due to a man’s overreaction… Case in point… Romeo and Juliet: Juliet had a whole plan. Fall asleep, let everyone think that she is dead. Then wake up and be free to run away with Romeo and live happily ever after. And what did Romeo do?! He drank too much, stumbled to her body, freaked out and drank a vial of poison right before Juliet woke up! She in turn kills herself in grief. When if he had just slowed his roll for two bloody seconds he would be sipping mai tais  on a beach somewhere with his wife. Another example (just so you don’t think I just went out and found circumstantial evidence for my claim) us Mark Anthony and Cleopatra. These two fell in love at first sight, pissed of Rome with their love affair and basically gave Rome the finger and got married anyways. Mark Anthony goes to war against Rome and while he is away some schmuck sends him false information that Cleopatra was dead. He freaked out and “fell” on his sword. When the still living Cleopatra finds out she takes her own life in grief. (Are you seeing the trend?)

After thinking about this and coming to the conclusion that the men in these relationships ultimately screwed their significant others over by jumping the gun, I had an amazingly random thought…. What if ALL men came equipped with an ‘Duh-de-ta-de meter?’ A device that could hook up in their brain and monitor the goings-on, and every time they are about to say or do something completely stupid (as they always do) we can press it and shock the shit out of them while screaming “Get a grip Dude!”(Think about how effective that would have been if every time Romeo went to drink that poison his ass got a jolt. I bet he would have abandoned that dumb idea real quick!).

BUT despite those thoughts and having no one to spend V-Day with this year; I have to admit that there are many aspects of it that I love… the color pink, the shape of a heart, all of the chocolate (especially white chocolate!). I even have certain romantic movies that I love to watch on Valentine’s day like: ‘Somewhere in Time’, ‘Casablanca,’ ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘Memoirs of a Geisha,’ and ‘Pride & Prejudice,’ to name a few. I don’t know if going all out for Valentine’s Day would be that big of a deal for me, but at this stage in my life (28 and single) having a significant other sounds appealing (though I could just be asking for troubles and headaches). So this year I am embracing the V-Day even if it is a solo celebration with hopes that one of these coming years I can make some poor schmuck watch a sappy movie with me on Valentine’s Day that will suck the life out of him! (Go ahead and slap me if that doesn’t sound like fun).

Right now I am sitting on my bed with a bar a cashew white chocolate, a

TiMER Movie Poster

slice of strawberry flan, and a box of tissues gearing up to watch  ‘TiMER.’ If you have never seen it (and many have not) it is a wonderfully cute  movie.  It has Emma Caulfield who is adorable on her own. The plot is future based where people can get these devices (TiMER) that are implanted into their wrists and it counts down to the day the wearer finds true love. Oona (Emma Caulfield) has a blank TiMER meaning that her soul mate- whoever and wherever he is- has yet to have a TiMER implanted. Being Close to thirty years old Oona decides to fall for a guy who has a TiMER with a countdown of 4 months!

I originally saw this movie because my sister told me I had to, and I fell in love with it. Think about it… how would our actions and feelings change if we knew exactly how long we had to wait to find true love? Or is we were already married and got a TiMER and found out we were not meant to be together? INSANE! If you have not seen see this movie I highly recommend that you do!

So that is probably enough sap for one post.

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Where Would Your Dumb Ass Be???

Our World has been blessed with brilliant men–men who have really made a difference in the lives of people all around the World. Men like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Isaac Newton, just to name a few. Hell, I will even throw in Christopher Columbus for his discovery of America (we will just overlook the fact that he actually got lost, didn’t ask for directions, and thought that he was in India the whole time). And from so many brilliant men we have wonderful things in our lives like the printing press, the light bulb, the telephone, and high heels (come one, you know a man is responsible for those amazing torture devices). So the question remains… How did they do it? How did they get so damn smart? Well, the proof is in the puddin’ my friends. It’s in the written word. Its all there in the Book of Genesis.  I am not going to quote the bible because, frankly, I can’t, but I am going to give you the ‘CliffsNotes’ version from Sunday School:

Back when it all began God created Man, and from Man’s side God took one rib. From that rib God created Woman (and he saw that it was good). He named the man Adam and the woman Eve. God placed Adam & Eve in his paradise garden, Eden. The one rule was that they could not eat the fruit from the tree of Knowledge.

One Picturesque day Adam was lounging about because he had nothing better to do. His stomach started to growl. He looked to Eve with a pleading look indicated that he was hungry. Eve rolled her eyes at Adam and indicated that he should go and find his own damn food. With a dumbfounded look, Adam let Eve know that he had no clue as to where to find food, so Eve, being the loving woman that she was, went to search for food for Adam.  On her journey through the garden, a snake happened by and stopped in front of her. “I sssseeee that you are looking for food for the man who can not feed himsssself,” said the snake. Eve rolled her eyes and nodded, silently agreeing that Adam was a lost cause and she had to take care of him so the he didn’t perish. The snake told Eve that he knew where to find food that would not only assuage Adam’s hunger but would also teach him how to feed himself. Eve knowing that Adam needed to learn a bit of independence followed the snake to the tree of knowledge. Upon seeing where they were, Eve immediately recoiled in horror, shaking her head profusely at what the snake was suggesting.  “I know that you were told not to eat from this tree, but the fruit of this tree holds the power to help Adam learn how to survive on his own. You would only be doing him a service,” said the snake. Eve thought about what the snake was saying and agreed that something had to be done to help the ever confused Adam, but she didn’t want any harm to befall Adam…she was just that caring. So in an act of pure selflessness she decided to pluck an apple for the tree’s suspended limbs and take a bite to see what would happen. Immediately her eyes became focused and the world around her appeared in a different light. She identified many food sources around her, and knew what the snake had said was true. She looked down at her person and saw that she was naked and then fashioned underwear for her and Adam out of leaves. 

Eve made her way back to Adam carrying an apple for him to eat and the underwear she had made for him. Adam looked up at Eve with is ever present look of confusion. Eve handed Adam the apple and told him to eat. Without questioning it, Adam took a bite from the apple and like Eve, immediately started to see things clearly. He looked down at his person and saw that he too was naked. Eve handed Adam the cover she has fashioned out of leaves, and Adam began to put it on his head. “No! Adam, it goes around your waist to cover your man parts.” Just when Adam was about to correct his error God appeared. “Adam! Why are you wearing leaves on your head?” asked God. “Because I am naked,” replied Adam. God became enraged that not only had his prized creation, Man, eaten from the forbidden tree of knowledge, but he was also sitting in a garden naked wearing underwear on his head like a jackass. It was all too much to handle, and in his anger God cast Adam and Eve from  the garden forever.

So there you have it. Adam was sitting naked around a garden like a bump-on-a-log, not knowing his ass from his elbow until Eve, being the kind and generous soul that she was, decided to share the fruit from the tree of Knowledge with Adam. Adam’s eyes were opened and he gained knowledge (though it seemed to take a little bit of time for the knowledge to fully sink in). Hence, Man has Knowledge because Woman gave it to him. Woman is responsible for first gaining knowledge and then generously sharing it with the likes of Man.  What would have happened if Eve had decided to keep Knowledge to herself?  I think every man should turn to the women in their lives and give them a big “Thank You!” for gifting them with the good sense to get up every morning, put clothes on (correctly), and function with some semblance of intelligence. After all, it is possible that without woman, man would still be sitting naked in the dirt with a clueless look on his face.