Where Would Your Dumb Ass Be???

When I lived in Indonesia, I remember that I was having a hard time dealing with male superiority complex that was present with my host family….. I posted this on that old blog and Just came across it…. I figured it might be something that I wanted to keep…it kind of made me chuckle. So I will share it with you all.   If you want to see pictures from my Peace Corps journey you can take a look at my old blog at fromwenchitcame. There are some pretty pictures 🙂

*************************************************** This is supposed to be funny and not meant to offend anyone!

Where Would  Your Dumb Ass Be???

Our World has been blessed with brilliant men–men who have really made a difference in the lives of people all around the World. Men like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Isaac Newton, just to name a few. Hell, I will even throw in Christopher Columbus for his discovery of America (we will just overlook the fact that he actually got lost, didn’t ask for directions, and thought that he was in India the whole time). And from so many brilliant men we have wonderful things in our lives like the printing press, the light bulb, the telephone, and high heels (come one, you know a man is responsible for those amazing torture devices). So the question remains… How did they do it? How did they get so damn smart? Well, the proof is in the puddin’ my friends. It’s in the written word. Its all there in the Book of Genesis.  I am not going to quote the bible because, frankly, I can’t, but I am going to give you the ‘CliffsNotes’ version from Sunday School:

Back when it all began God created Man, and from Man’s side God took one rib. From that rib God created Woman (and he saw that it was good). He named the man Adam and the woman Eve. God placed Adam & Eve in his paradise garden, Eden. The one rule was that they could not eat the fruit from the tree of Knowledge.

One Picturesque day Adam was lounging about because he had nothing better to do. His stomach started to growl. He looked to Eve with a pleading look indicated that he was hungry. Eve rolled her eyes at Adam and indicated that he should go and find his own damn food. With a dumbfounded look, Adam let Eve know that he had no clue as to where to find food, so Eve, being the loving woman that she was, went to search for food for Adam.  On her journey through the garden, a snake happened by and stopped in front of her. “I sssseeee that you are looking for food for the man who can not feed himsssself,” said the snake. Eve rolled her eyes and nodded, silently agreeing that Adam was a lost cause and she had to take care of him so the he didn’t perish. The snake told Eve that he knew where to find food that would not only assuage Adam’s hunger but would also teach him how to feed himself. Eve knowing that Adam needed to learn a bit of independence followed the snake to the tree of knowledge. Upon seeing where they were, Eve immediately recoiled in horror, shaking her head profusely at what the snake was suggesting.  “I know that you were told not to eat from this tree, but the fruit of this tree holds the power to help Adam learn how to survive on his own. You would only be doing him a service,” said the snake. Eve thought about what the snake was saying and agreed that something had to be done to help the ever confused Adam, but she didn’t want any harm to befall Adam…she was just that caring. So in an act of pure selflessness she decided to pluck an apple for the tree’s suspended limbs and take a bite to see what would happen. Immediately her eyes became focused and the world around her appeared in a different light. She identified many food sources around her, and knew what the snake had said was true. She looked down at her person and saw that she was naked and then fashioned underwear for her and Adam out of leaves. 

Eve made her way back to Adam carrying an apple for him to eat and the underwear she had made for him. Adam looked up at Eve with is ever present look of confusion. Eve handed Adam the apple and told him to eat. Without questioning it, Adam took a bite from the apple and like Eve, immediately started to see things clearly. He looked down at his person and saw that he too was naked. Eve handed Adam the cover she has fashioned out of leaves, and Adam began to put it on his head. “No! Adam, it goes around your waist to cover your man parts.” Just when Adam was about to correct his error God appeared. “Adam! Why are you wearing leaves on your head?” asked God. “Because I am naked,” replied Adam. God became enraged that not only had his prized creation, Man, eaten from the forbidden tree of knowledge, but he was also sitting in a garden naked wearing underwear on his head like a jackass. It was all too much to handle, and in his anger God cast Adam and Eve from  the garden forever.

So there you have it. Adam was sitting naked around a garden like a bump-on-a-log, not knowing his ass from his elbow until Eve, being the kind and generous soul that she was, decided to share the fruit from the tree of Knowledge with Adam. Adam’s eyes were opened and he gained knowledge (though it seemed to take a little bit of time for the knowledge to fully sink in). Hence, Man has Knowledge because Woman gave it to him. Woman is responsible for first gaining knowledge and then generously sharing it with the likes of Man.  What would have happened if Eve had decided to keep Knowledge to herself?  I think every man should turn to the women in their lives and give them a big “Thank You!” for gifting them with the good sense to get up every morning, put clothes on (correctly), and function with some semblance of intelligence. After all, it is possible that without woman, man would still be sitting naked in the dirt with a clueless look on his face.

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What Happened to Sexy Vampires?

As I sit here watching Interview With the Vampire, I can’t help but ask myself, ‘What happened to sexy vampires?’ Interview With the Vampire was the first vampire movie that I remember ever seeing. My older sister was watching it in her room with her friend, and I remember sneaking out onto the porch and watching through the sliding glass door that led to her room. Of course I couldn’t hear any dialogue, but the characters’ looks and actions made an impression on my eleven year old mind. I watched until I was discovered by my mother and forced to go back inside to whatever mundane show or movie that was playing on the living room television. Some years later I remember being able to sit down and watch it again, this time with sound and the full effect. Though much of it scared me, I remember thinking how gorgeous Lestat (played to Tom Cruise) and Louis (played by Brad Pitt) were. As the movie went on were were introduced to another gorgeous vampire, Armand (played by Antonio Banderas). Everything about these vampires (silky hair, gorgeous eyes, perfect fangs, and envy inspiriting nails) screamed sex appeal. I am sure that there were a few vampires in the movie there weren’t gorgeous, but their characters and names were not worth remembering. Another thing about these vampires that made them sexy as hell was their quiet, elegant strength. And though Louis was the compassionate one of the three with his soft spot for Claudia, he could never be described as whiney, sniveling, or weak.
From there other vampire movies and shows emerged with sexy vampires, though non could really compare to Louis, Lestat, and Armand (Though Angel from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer is an exception). That was until Dracula 2000 came out. I am not too sure how many people actually saw this movie, but all I can say is Gerard Butler as Dracula…… Yummy! Even if the movie itself wasn’t that great… it’s totally worth watching to see a young Gerard Butler with his Dark curly locks! Beautiful.
Then we have Twilight… now I know there are a lot of Twilight fans out there. I myself and many people that I know devoured the books when they came out. They were fast, fun, and intriguing reads. They were honestly some of the fastest reads I have ever had. I remember actually going to the midnight release at Barnes and Nobles with my sister and waiting in line for hours to get a copy of Breaking Dawn. (Don’t deny it sis). I remember very vividly how I pictured each vampire in the book, and they all had that vampire sex appeal I had come to love. Then the best thing in the world happened!… They announced that they were going to make a movie out of Twilight. My sister and I were in the movie theatre line with all of the other teeny-boppers, moms, and reluctant husbands who where forced to endure their wives pick for date night. The movie had all the potential to be a hit, but who do they pick to play Edward, the lead Vampire role? Cedric freakin’ Diggory! For all you non Harry Potter fans (and I hope there are not a lot of you out there) Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson in The Goblet of Fire) was the all around perfect guy who needless to say doesn’t appear in any other Harry Potter film or book. If they were gonna choose an actor from Harry Potter to play Edward (the sexy brooding vampire) they would have been better off choosing Neville Longbottom (Put a picture of Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis) today next to Robert Pattinson and tell me if I am crazy). Robert Pattinson has a hard time pulling off sexy (and if you think he does… please rethink your decision). Not only that, the tough, caring Vampire that is portrayed in the book is replaced by a character that comes off whiney and not the least bit tough in the movie (need we bring up the ‘hold on spider monkey’ comment?). And lets talk about how he is supposed to be beautiful in the sunlight, like a million sparkling diamonds… They took and average man and dumped a shit ton of glitter on him expecting him to look beautiful… hmmm I think not! Then he wants to say,“This is the face of a killer.” Do your worst glitter boy. Do your flippin worst!


Words can never convey the extent of my disappointment in the death of the Sexy Vampire with the release of Twilight… And if you wonder what would Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise say to their Sexy Vampire Legacy; one of my favorite pictures from Pintrest.com says it all…

So here is to hoping for the return of the Sexy Vampire. May they come back in full force.

Project: “Chicken Little”

**Disclaimer: Extreme boredom can lead to the accumulation of dumb ideas. I do not in any way condone the theft of objects, animals, or people.  Thank you and have a nice day**

Last week I was feeling under the weather and instead of resting like my host mother had insisted I do, I went on a day journey to a lake with my buddy Andy. On the bike ride home I saw the coolest thing, a dwarf chicken! It was 1/4 the size or a regular rooster. I had to do a double take to make sure I saw it correctly because it was just too good to be true. As I continued on my ride home it started to rain. Needless to say I got soaked. Upon arriving home my host mother was very distraught to see that I was wet and told me that I was going to get sick. I laughed and told her that I would be fine.  The next morning I woke up with my throat swollen shut, a nose clogged with a copious amount of snot, and my eyes feeling that I had rubbed sandpaper over them. After spending 10 minutes in the mirror practicing not being sick so that I wouldn’t have to hear the “I told you so,” from my host mother, I went down stairs for breakfast. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs I proceeded to have a coughing fit that not only sounded terrible, but projected bright green shit from my mouth. (So much for faking not sick). My host mother pounced on me like a cat on a mouse screeching about how she told me to take a rest yesterday. She then made me eat breakfast, take medicine, and then go back up to bed. There I was to be imprisoned for the rest of the day and forced to sleep instead of going to school and teaching.

So as I laid in bed watching one of my favorite shows, Fringe, I got the brilliant idea that it would be awesome to have a  dwarf chicken like the one that I had seen previously while riding my bike. It really is a useless pet, but how many people do you know can say “Dude, Have you seen my pet mini-chicken?” Normally I am not a fan of chickens what-so-ever, especially after coming to this country. I have come to see them as dirty little assholes that crow at all hours of the day and night. But that being said, as much as I dislike chickens, my love for strange animals as pets outweighs it. SO… you can see why having a dwarf chicken would be so appealing to me!.. (well maybe you can). The one hiccup that I could come up with was my host mother. She dislikes chickens as much as I do, unless they are fried and on the table. So I couldn’t very well have her and my host father take me to the bird market to buy one, and how the hell would I get a chicken home while riding my bike? The only logical conclusion was to steal the dwarf chicken I saw earlier. So Project “Chicken Little” was born. First thing I would need is a few volunteers to help me with the mission…and what better source for pliable, willing people then my students (I know you are probably thinking I am a terrible teacher right now).

When I was back to feeling better I approached one of my favorite classes with my idea to “borrow”the little chicken. The overall response was not what I wanted.. “No Miss! You can’t!!!”So by the end of class I only had two daring volunteers, but it was more than enough! The next day, after classes, my two helpers and I walked to our destination. The chicken was there and I found that I was getting really giddy. I pulled out my camera (something this awesome had to be documented) and we started to inch forward.

Mini-chicken unaware...

The strategy was that my helpers were going to block either side of the chicken as I went up the middle, giving me time to take pictures and than swoop down and catch it. Easy Peasy! As I started to close in on him, his little head popped up, and all I heard was ‘Miss! Look out!”With that the damn chicken jumped and started for me! I went to swoop down and my helpers yelled at me, “No Miss! Just run. Run Now!”With the mini chicken still charging me from across the lawn, I saw in his eyes that he meant business. One of us wasn’t going to

"Are You Fucking With Me?"

make it out of this encounter, and I feared that one would be me. So with a very sophisticated (teacher) scream of, “Holy crap!” I turned and ran like hell with the angry little chicken fast on my heels!– My students having already left me to fend for myself.

We made it back to the school, all limbs intact. My students fell over laughing as I about hyperventilated in the courtyard. The came to lean over me as I was laying on the ground trying to slow my breathing“Miss, you are crazy!”

So maybe it was a crazy idea… I got a few pictures and learned something very valuable…. Little ass chickens are mean as hell!


I Like My Big Ass… it’s my muffin top that scares me!

When I first left the country I was pushing 250 pounds… it wasn’t a pretty site. If I had to give you a visual, I would say that when I took a shower it was similar to a wet baby seal…but not anywhere near as cute. Ouch! So anyway, since being in this country and adopting a diet consisting mainly of fruit, vegetables, and white rice (i would kill for a bacon cheeseburger, btw) I have almost dropped below the 200 pound mark (Go Me!).  I am currently celebrating this achievement by eating an orange cream ice cream Oreo. It is absolutely heavenly too. If you do not have these back in the States… You are totally missing out. I suggest you make a friend (Me) who can send them to you!. But I digress… so since I have lost so much weight I have had a little more pep in my step so to speak.  I found that as my clothes became baggier and baggier I became more confident and I walked with more purpose. It is one of these such ‘purposeful’ walks that I want to discuss.

It was a gloriously sunny day in a country that has only a wet and dry season. I was walking down the street, sweating through my clothes, and singing along to an awesome song pumping through my headphones from my iPod Touch. The song really got me going and I soon found myself adding a little jump (dance move) as I walked. Then as I continued about my journey I felt this vibration shaking my legs. I stopped and looked around, but there was nothing there and the vibration had stopped. I continued on my walk again getting into the song and dancing a bit when I felt that damn vibration again. I stopped and looked again this time into the jungle-esque scenery surrounding me, but again there was nothing there and the vibration had stopped also. So as I stood in the middle of the street with a dumb ass, confused look on my face a terrifying thought occurred to me, but before I panicked I wanted to test my theory. So in a purely scientific manner I took a large step, bringing my foot down a little harder than normal and looked behind me. Sure enough… the vibration happened again, only I was the source… my big ass decided that it needed a little extra movement time while I walked. Horrified, I slowed my walk, changed the song to a more melancholy tune, and made my way back to my house careful not to disturb the ocean of fat on my backside. Once home I proceeded to strip down to my underwear and stand with my ass facing my mirror for a good 20 minutes. After staring at it long and hard I reached a conclusion: “I can live with it.”  I smiled and even gave it a little shake having the bizarre thought it was kind of fun (the wiggle). An ass is an ass, I figured, no big deal. So feeling better about my issue I turned around smiling and faced the mirror, where I was greeted by a whole different issue! A MUFFIN TOP!

You know what a Muffin Top is, right? It happens when you put on your favorite pants that might be a little on the snug side and the weight that was once evenly distributed throughout your lower half seems to boil up and flow over the waistband of your pants like a chocolate fountain. Making it look like you had a laps in judgement and put an inner tube around your middle before putting your shirt on that morning. I can’t even go through the thought process that happened while I looked in the mirror, but I can express is this: What the shit is that!?! No matter how much weight I lose that damn thing just wont go away. Why is that? The muffin top is like the cockroach of fat. No matter how many times or ways you try to flush it out, it never really leaves! And if you are sitting there thinking “Oh I only have a small one, I can get rid of it…” think cockroaches my friends.. where there is a small one, there is a big one hiding getting ready to rear its ugly head! AND despite the cute name (Muffin Top), there is nothing cute about it. There is no playful, amusing wiggle when you shake. It just stays there, hanging over your jeans, reminding you of all of those emotions you shouldn’t have eaten the previous night.

On that note I am going to go get another Oreo.

Where Would Your Dumb Ass Be???

Our World has been blessed with brilliant men–men who have really made a difference in the lives of people all around the World. Men like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Isaac Newton, just to name a few. Hell, I will even throw in Christopher Columbus for his discovery of America (we will just overlook the fact that he actually got lost, didn’t ask for directions, and thought that he was in India the whole time). And from so many brilliant men we have wonderful things in our lives like the printing press, the light bulb, the telephone, and high heels (come one, you know a man is responsible for those amazing torture devices). So the question remains… How did they do it? How did they get so damn smart? Well, the proof is in the puddin’ my friends. It’s in the written word. Its all there in the Book of Genesis.  I am not going to quote the bible because, frankly, I can’t, but I am going to give you the ‘CliffsNotes’ version from Sunday School:

Back when it all began God created Man, and from Man’s side God took one rib. From that rib God created Woman (and he saw that it was good). He named the man Adam and the woman Eve. God placed Adam & Eve in his paradise garden, Eden. The one rule was that they could not eat the fruit from the tree of Knowledge.

One Picturesque day Adam was lounging about because he had nothing better to do. His stomach started to growl. He looked to Eve with a pleading look indicated that he was hungry. Eve rolled her eyes at Adam and indicated that he should go and find his own damn food. With a dumbfounded look, Adam let Eve know that he had no clue as to where to find food, so Eve, being the loving woman that she was, went to search for food for Adam.  On her journey through the garden, a snake happened by and stopped in front of her. “I sssseeee that you are looking for food for the man who can not feed himsssself,” said the snake. Eve rolled her eyes and nodded, silently agreeing that Adam was a lost cause and she had to take care of him so the he didn’t perish. The snake told Eve that he knew where to find food that would not only assuage Adam’s hunger but would also teach him how to feed himself. Eve knowing that Adam needed to learn a bit of independence followed the snake to the tree of knowledge. Upon seeing where they were, Eve immediately recoiled in horror, shaking her head profusely at what the snake was suggesting.  “I know that you were told not to eat from this tree, but the fruit of this tree holds the power to help Adam learn how to survive on his own. You would only be doing him a service,” said the snake. Eve thought about what the snake was saying and agreed that something had to be done to help the ever confused Adam, but she didn’t want any harm to befall Adam…she was just that caring. So in an act of pure selflessness she decided to pluck an apple for the tree’s suspended limbs and take a bite to see what would happen. Immediately her eyes became focused and the world around her appeared in a different light. She identified many food sources around her, and knew what the snake had said was true. She looked down at her person and saw that she was naked and then fashioned underwear for her and Adam out of leaves. 

Eve made her way back to Adam carrying an apple for him to eat and the underwear she had made for him. Adam looked up at Eve with is ever present look of confusion. Eve handed Adam the apple and told him to eat. Without questioning it, Adam took a bite from the apple and like Eve, immediately started to see things clearly. He looked down at his person and saw that he too was naked. Eve handed Adam the cover she has fashioned out of leaves, and Adam began to put it on his head. “No! Adam, it goes around your waist to cover your man parts.” Just when Adam was about to correct his error God appeared. “Adam! Why are you wearing leaves on your head?” asked God. “Because I am naked,” replied Adam. God became enraged that not only had his prized creation, Man, eaten from the forbidden tree of knowledge, but he was also sitting in a garden naked wearing underwear on his head like a jackass. It was all too much to handle, and in his anger God cast Adam and Eve from  the garden forever.

So there you have it. Adam was sitting naked around a garden like a bump-on-a-log, not knowing his ass from his elbow until Eve, being the kind and generous soul that she was, decided to share the fruit from the tree of Knowledge with Adam. Adam’s eyes were opened and he gained knowledge (though it seemed to take a little bit of time for the knowledge to fully sink in). Hence, Man has Knowledge because Woman gave it to him. Woman is responsible for first gaining knowledge and then generously sharing it with the likes of Man.  What would have happened if Eve had decided to keep Knowledge to herself?  I think every man should turn to the women in their lives and give them a big “Thank You!” for gifting them with the good sense to get up every morning, put clothes on (correctly), and function with some semblance of intelligence. After all, it is possible that without woman, man would still be sitting naked in the dirt with a clueless look on his face.